Give Yourself THE gift

 NOTE: lots of typos here due to this being a transcript from a Vlog (video above 👆🏼), thanks, and ENJOY!

 Hello. Journeyers welcome to our podcast. The herd is calling. What are we talking about today? Yeah, you're here. We're so glad to have you along today. We want you to give yourself the gift of self-compassion and reframe your writing practice as self-care. I love that.

Let's do it. Yeah. Okay. Let's get right into it. Let's dive in. So we're talking about self-compassion. What is it, why it's important and how self-compassion can help your relationship with your horse, which we know will make everything you do with your horse better. If you have a good relationship, if you've, if you've honed your relationship, that's gonna make your riding better.

It's gonna make your competition goals better. If those are where, what you're doing, it's gonna make your trail rides, but it's gonna make it all. Okay. Now this sounds kind of selfish and maybe even a little narcissistic though. All this self care self-compassion stuff. Well, yeah, I think it gets a bad rap.

I think some people think of self-compassion as sort of a, a level of narcissism. It's it's so not the case. So Kristen Neff is a PhD researcher who. Been studying self-compassion for over 10 years now. Okay. She's got couple books best selling books out about it. 

And heads up a big program where she teaches her work and she. Self-compassion down into three elements. Okay. That sounds helpful. These elements have nothing to do with being a narcissist, right? she breaks self-compassion down to mindfulness. Okay.

Common humanity. Okay. And kindness. Okay. Mindfulness, common humanity. And. Kindness kindness. Okay, great. I love that. That's one of our, do you remember that other quote, like the three secrets to life? The first is kindness. The second is kindness and the third is kindness. Yes. Yes. I'm not sure who said that, but it's really good.

Quote, I think William James. That's a good one. That's pretty awesome. The three keys to life or the se the secret to a great life are kindness, kindness and kindness, right? Yeah. It's like a lifetime of research working with thousands and thousands of people.

And that was what it all came down to. Ne is onto something with her research, obviously. Mm. So. The idea of mindfulness allows us to gain perspective without distort. Hmm. Let's repeat that perspective without distortion. Yeah. It's like a clear reflection of what's happening without judgment.

Okay. Yeah. That's beautiful. One of our other horse trainers that we like mark Rashid says a mind like still water. And I think he borrows that from his Aikido training. I'm not sure exactly where, but mm-hmm, , it's a really beautiful analogy. Sums up mindfulness. Exactly. It's it's the good stuff. It's when we can look at what's happening objectively without getting swept up in it.

Okay. Good skill. Right. The second element is common humanity, and that reminds us of our connectedness. We're not alone. It's a hundred percent likely that whatever it is, we're going through, whatever it is, we're experiencing, whatever mistakes we've made. We are not the first person to have experienced this.

And we certainly won't be the last won't be the last. All right. So you're not alone. In our struggles with horses and in our daily life we are just whatever's going on inside our heads and our. We've got others that we can call on for support. Okay, great. The herd is stronger together, right?

 Kindness is the third element and that's basically just an attitude or a mindset of being friendly, warm, supportive. It's I'm thinking, oh, tenderness is the word I'm thinking of. That's a good word too. , the world could use a little more tenderness. Well, it goes back to the William James quote.

Hmm. Kindness, kindness and kindness. That's all you need. Or the Beatles, all you need is love. Love is all you need. Yeah. all right. It's really difficult to be compassionate towards others. If you aren't first kind yourself. Hmm. It's like the oxygen mask metaphor. You've gotta save your own life first so that you can help others.

 Self-compassion is, is hard work. Like you really have to dig deep. You may have had trauma, might have feelings of shame, like really hard dark things that you've gotta go through. It's kinda like going through a dark forest in a way. It's a heroic journey. exactly. What does all this have to do with horses?

The number one issue people come to us with is anxiety. Mm-hmm true. Yeah. Yeah. And I would say, and tell me if you agree with this the other is self doubt. Second mm-hmm maybe mm-hmm on the list. Mm-hmm so a lot of. Anxiety and self doubt are sort of intertwined.

Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. . If you're not sure what to do. If you're working with a 1200 pound animal things, don't go quite like you think they would, you start self doubting yourself, anxiety creeps up, cuz you don't know what's gonna happen. Mm-hmm just kind of this negative feedback loop. Yeah, mm-hmm absolutely. And of course we know that when you're feeling anxiety that comes from fear and fear comes from worrying about what's going to happen. And right there, you have stepped out of the present moment and you're not being aware and being attuned to.

What's happening right now, right here. Okay. So we've lost our ability to be mindful when we do that and mindfulness helps us come back to that space. I've dealt with anxiety for a couple years now. I think the pandemic sort of. Brought it to a head for me. I've had a couple pretty big anxiety attacks,

 They're really scary , and they're really hard. and one thing that I have been doing to help is a self-compassion practice 

 I think what I found is it's kind of like anxiety starts to build. And then often what triggers an anxiety attack is. My own negative self-talk and, and self-doubt okay.

That's usually what starts the scary spiral. Hmm. That's some great self-awareness and I forget the exact statistics, but it's something like 40 million people just in America deal with anxiety. But two out of 10 are actually diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, which you. and there's probably a lot more people actually have it, cuz to actually go in and get a diagnosis is some extra steps.

A lot of people don't take. So it's really common, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. Right? Exactly. Mm-hmm and so for me, I found that a practice in self-compassion helps regulate my nervous system and keeps me from getting into those.

Spirals, you know, mm-hmm cause self-compassion practice is like this magic blend of self-awareness and belongingness and then tenderness. Okay. And it works. so back to the horses, it's a win-win for us and our horses. Mm. Right. Because of the mindfulness and presence. Like that's the most important skill when you're working with your horses?

I think that's the mindset that you have to have being aware of your body language and your energy and being aware of your horses, body, language, and energy is the most important thing when you're working with your horses. That's one of the most powerful things about working with horses is it really is an active meditation.

Since I have really approached working with my horses, With that as my core intention, my work with my horses has become so much better in terms of just the richness of experience for myself. The joy that I feel, just the fun that it, creates. And then even the results like the horses respond and do more for me, right.

With. Less effort. Hmm. The other thing with mindfulness practices though, is that they actually truly regulate our nervous system. And when our nervous system is regulated, we are calm and that transmits to the horses and creates reciprocity that keeps our horse calm, which then helps us stay calm yeah, exactly. Cuz one of the languages, horses speak is really at the level of our nervous system. We believe when people get out of the car at the barn, their horses can sense the regulation of that person. So a hundred percent. So if you can get yourself regulated, you're at a state of heart coherence where you can.

Communicate and join and connect with your horse at a whole higher level. You know, mm-hmm, not that people can't connect with them without that, but you're, you know, you see horses get shut down. There's a lot of other things that happen that I think limits the potential to connect. Whereas what we're all about exploring here is trying to really connect with the horse at that kind of higher heart to heart, soul, to soul holistic level.

Yeah. That might sound a little woo woo, or a little touchy feely, but it. The way it's really what we're talking about here. Yeah, it's the whole point. Yeah. Yeah. And it is very touchy. Feel very wooooo on the one side, but then it's like pure science on the other side, we love exploring that intersection.

We call it the, the center point of the paradox. Ooh. Yeah, exactly. yes. So the thing with mindfulness practice and this type of self-compassion practice, which is a, a form of mindfulness practice is the more you practice, the better you get and the better your horse will respond. That communication creates more connection, which creates attunement, which then creates release of tension.

And then you've got this affinity and that is. Affinity is where your relationship should come from. Yeah, that's great. It's almost like that creates a positive feedback loop. Whereas the negative self talks creates the negative feedback loop that leads to anxiety and all the other stuff you can reverse engineer that loop into a positive feedback loop.

Yeah. It includes all the wellness greatest hits mm-hmm I mean, we've got mindfulness, of course. Yeah. But there's gratitude in there. Mm-hmm there's curiosity. Yes. It's all these reframes that say goodbye to the shoulds and supposed tos. Right. And what's gonna happen and what might happen. And.

Just puts you in the moment with your riding and your practice with your horse that's where the magic is. Mm mm-hmm yeah, I think self-compassion is just such, such a powerful way to look at mindfulness, you know, that kind of gets left out or the meditation talk. It's almost like you just sit down and rise above it.

At least I think it's framed that way a lot and kind of pop culture I don't think that's really it, it takes that work of. Going through the process of self-compassion, which is really powerful something else I was thinking about when you were talking about meeting horses, is that they have a natural state of compassion in the sense that they're not judging you.

Like I guarantee. If you have the negative self talk, self doubt, those are coming from inside. You like your horse has never had any of those thoughts And another thing , if you are having self talk is just talk to yourself.

Like you would talk to one of your best friends, if a friend came to you and said, Hey, I'm really having a hard day, this, this, and that happened. How would you talk to them? Talk to yourself that way. Exactly. I think we tend to talk pretty mean in our heads without even realizing it true.

Yeah. Without even realizing it. Mm-hmm we have this exercise in the journey where we ask people to journal the thoughts that are going in their heads in this one round pen exercise. It's always illuminating for everybody who does it, one of our students, he was shocked.

He like, couldn't believe just the deluge of negative thoughts. Mm-hmm , you know, just like. Bombarding his subconscious totally. While he's working with his horse. And what, of course the horse is not picking up on the language. The horse doesn't understand , the language that he's using, the negative words that he's using, but she sure is heck picks up on that.

Yeah, that energy, which, which, again, I think some of that comes back to the heart coherence stuff that we talk about in other podcasts. Mm-hmm, , it's just a vibe. It's really is a vibe though. And it's, it's a legitimate vibe and it goes back to the nervous system. Like, so mm-hmm yes. It's a vibe. There's this sort of woo woo.

Touchy. Feel like you don't wanna have that vibe. Our horses are hardwired to tune into other beings around them, because that's what tells them how to adjust or not to whatever's going on. Right. They're master communicators on that level. Exactly. So if our nervous system is activated, if we're telling ourselves in our heads, you're an idiot, you don't know what you're doing.

What's gonna happen. I'm nervous. The horse picks up on that and is like, I should probably get the heck outta here. Mm-hmm cause this is not a good feeling right now. Right. And they, they can't articulate why they can't say you shouldn't be saying those things. They're just, they just mirror back to us.

Exactly what we're putting out. Yeah. Yep. Exactly. And it's, and it's most naked. Yeah. I remember that. I remember that story. When our student came with that and he just said he had to leave and just kind of sit down and collect his thoughts, cuz it was kind of so shocking to realize how he talked to himself.

And this might sound kind of weird. But when I was in a meditation, I got to a really quiet place. And I started to hear the voices in my head it was almost like I could see the person almost speaking them and it wasn't anybody I actually knew it was just like these characters and

 I could see the person and hear the tone of their voice and it was just like, not my own. Mm. And that was really, it was kind of freaky actually. Yeah. Right. It's freaky. But then when you stop and like, I think it's Eckhart Toley who says, that moment when you notice that you're noticing.

that's mindfulness. That's, that's powerful. You're there. So, I know for me, a lot of times when I catch myself doing the negative self talk or catch myself with my mind watering, I'm like damnit, like, get yourself together, pull it together, empty your mind. Yeah. Get, get in the moment. And instead according to Eckhart should be saying good job. Yeah. Cause that's the moment you stepped into awareness. Exactly. Uhhuh. Exactly. Yeah. So again, these reframes going back to self-compassion, that's a kinder way to look at what's happening and it's also more accurate. Because it's not been distorted by.

Judgment or these old stories that we have about who we are. Mm-hmm that have been put on us by, you know, our conditioning by the dominant culture. If you are meditating or whatever, you're doing, just driving down the road if you're having these thoughts and you're like,, oh geez, here I am talking bad about myself again. Or guy suck as a meditator. I can't even keep my mind focused on my breath. I'm the worst at this? I should give up. . And even those weird voices I was hearing, which is a little spooky, like, look at those and just think, huh, I wonder, wonder where they're coming from.

What happened to them to. Talking to me like this, or right, right. Have compassion to yourself for the struggle, , there's a book out. I can't remember both of the authors. Oprah is one of the authors and she co-wrote it with a doctor and I'm forgetting his name.

We'll, we'll find it and put it in our show notes. The title is what happened to you, right? I remember that. Yeah, not what's wrong with you. What happened to you? And I think that is another reframe that is just it's kinder and, it's more accurate. I think we have this wrong headed notion that kindness is insincere or it's like not the truth.

Actually that couldn't be farther from the truth. Mm-hmm if you look at how you would talk to a friend, if you looked how you'd talk to a child who was hurting or confused or talking bad about themselves, mm-hmm you would do your best to. Convince them that that is not the case because you can see that it's not, they're innocent.

They're struggling. They're they're just having a normal human experience and can just use some support. Be curious. Why, what happened to you? Not why. So bad or exactly. Yeah, exactly. And so when we create this tone with ourselves, it's gonna reverberate into our work with our horses and we're gonna have that mirrored back to us.

I think sometimes people talk about how horses mirror back to us, what we're feeling and thinking. And there is a negativity attached that like, Ooh, if you're acting scared, your horse is. Throw that up in your face almost mm-hmm the horse is gonna react. The horse is gonna do this well on the other side of that is, yeah.

If you're coming to your horse with this calmness, with this kindness, mm-hmm with this connectedness your horse is gonna react to that too. Mm-hmm . Exactly. And that's gonna be really cool. Yeah. Something else that you've taught a lot. Is that the fear isn't the problem it's hiding. The fear is the problem.

So it's okay. Like we all have weird self doubt thoughts. We all have weird voices in our heads. We all struggle with that. So don't feel like that in and of itself is bad. It's more just being curious and naming it. , when you notice it, mm-hmm , when you become conscious of it, the fear, it brings it out into the open. Right? All of a sudden you don't have. Lurking mountain lion energy. Mm-hmm , you know, mountain lions. Don't come out growling and yelling and being very clear that they're gonna eat the horse.

They hide mm-hmm they lurk. Exactly. They pretend like they're not interested in eating the horse. At the watering hole when they're kind of like, you know, traipsing around and acting kind of, sketchy that's what the horse doesn't like. That's perfect analogy.

Mm-hmm mm-hmm it's okay to be afraid the moment that you recognize it and acknowledge it. Mm-hmm and we've seen in some of the. Equine therapy workshops we've done. In the round pen, we have this exercise called reflective round penning mm-hmm . And when people get really open and vulnerable and let the horse see how they're feeling.

 The horses respond, they turn the compassion and the kindness of the horses extend mm-hmm to these people who are afraid, who are hurting, who are working through trauma. The horses actually are drawn to that. Yeah. Yeah. So it's not, it's so healing to not be judged as you're when you're feeling those feelings.

Exactly. But the horse only does that. When you allow it to be seen, right? So you have to make the choice to be vulnerable mm-hmm and that requires a level of self compassion that requires a level of, I deserve to feel this way. I feel this way. I don't need to hide this. I don't, I'm not ashamed of this.

Right. Mm-hmm yeah. Vulnerability is courage. Exactly. I think that's the whole point, right? Yeah, that really is. Yeah. Self-compassion is Way up at the top of the list. Yes. This is a lot of what we do in the horse journey program. It really is.

Yeah. So check it out. Yeah. Check it out and follow us on social media for daily inspiration. And it's not just about following us. It's like, it just helps to be in a community of people who are talking about these things. Cuz it's just like with self-compassion you. Get it out in the open, just have conversations with people that are kind of vibrating at that level, cuz it's a whole different ballgame.

 One direction is going on a negative feedback, loop another one's going on a positive feedback loop you need to have community. You need to have people to do that with mm-hmm so that's why we do the podcast. It's why we have our newsletter. It's why we do our blog it's to create community so that we can share these ideas and grow and learn together.

So thanks for listening. We'll see you next time. And until then, may the horse be with you? Bye bye.