Transparent

Trans-Parent

“It is revolutionary for any trans person to be seen and visible in a world that tells us we should not exist.”
― Laverne Cox

One early morning, I was out feeding the horses, when I saw him. From a distance, I could see him motioning from at least a thousand feet above. The faraway perspective miniaturized his body; his tiny arms were lifted in triumph. He had climbed the steep trail from our canyon homestead up to the top of the second tier of rimrock that loomed above our place. He hiked up there nearly every day. From this vantage, because the distance blurred the frame of his physical body, his inner light was featured, unencumbered, and on full display. He was luminous, his dignity backlit by morning light and bliss. He waved with both arms as if to say, “I see you down there, do you see me up here?”

As I waved back I thought, “Yes, I do, my son. I see you and you are a wonder.”

My son, James came out as transgender a few years ago; he was 14. This was his fledgling step in claiming his identity, presented more accurately as he, him, his. His declaration signaled that I have three sons (James has two younger brothers, Jacob and Luke). So began an unraveling of some inaccurate, harmful assumptions I had been operating under for the preceding 14 years.

Before James had the words to proclaim his truth, I made the distinction for him based on the assumption that gender is to be assigned at birth according to visible, external, physical characteristics. I was wrong. I didn’t have an inkling of how wrong I was, of how wrong everyone around me was. Before James was born, I read many, many pregnancy and birthing books, parenting guides, and articles and I never once came across one sentence that even hinted at the notion that gender exists on a spectrum, or that our traditional, binary labeling paradigm is flawed and inadequate, or that misgendering your child can be harmful and dangerous.

When the time came for me to have the ultrasound that would “reveal the sex” of my baby, the doctor didn’t explain to me that actually, sex and gender are two different things. I was unaware that sex relates to a person's biology, and that it encompasses their chromosomal makeup, hormones, as well as their anatomy. I didn’t know that one’s gender doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with one’s sex or that gender describes a person's intrinsic understanding of themselves as male, female, or another gender altogether. I didn’t realize that gender was a social construct installed by a system that works better when folks fit neatly into binary categories that are subjectively labeled.

I didn’t know, no one ever told me and I didn’t think to ask.

Well, no one ever told me until my son.

He educated me, just like he educated himself. Fueled by an astonishing inner strength and a hunger to claim his identity and declare his truth, he did the work. He researched and read and watched videos and listened to podcasts, on his own, all in secret. He had a hunch that there was more to him than what society and his community and his family had prescribed. And when he figured it out, he came to me with self-possessed grace and loving compassion and resolute courage, and he shared what he knew to be true about himself. It was a revelation. It was an awakening. It was a rebirth. I had always felt immense gratitude and pride to be his mother, but that day, those feelings swelled beyond what I thought I could bear.

Since his coming out and as he has navigated his transition, I have learned so much. While I had always considered myself a supporter of the LGBTQ+ community, now I realized that my allyship was sorely lacking and my understanding dead-ended after the B in LGBTQ+. I knew nothing of the trans community, who they are or what they face.

Trans kids and adults experience extreme bias, discrimination, alienation, and injustice everyday. In addition, most face very distinct medical care considerations and mental health issues which set them apart from many in the LGBQ+ community. As I learned about the repercussions of gender dysphoria and the disproportionate, alarming prevalence of depression and suicide among transgender people, I became very frightened. When I read the stories and statistics of the violence, bullying and harassment so many trans people are subjected to, I felt paralyzed. In the last two years, in America, as part of a targeted effort to disappear trans people, hundreds of new anti-trans bills have been introduced across 35 states, many targeting children and families. Stigma, ignorance and vitriol further entrench systemic, structural transphobia by legitimizing and perpetuating institutional and carceral power over transgender people, like James.

The joy that I had felt for my son as he embarked on his transition toward the embodiment of his most authentic self, was nearly flattened by an acute fear that something terrible was going to happen to him. I began to have nightmares and graphic visions that left me feeling raw and shaken.

Then there was my guilt. The fact that my previous assumptions about my child’s gender has caused him suffering, still haunts me. Because of my ignorance, he doubted his place in the world and questioned his inner knowing. As a mother, the notion that I could ever cause him that brand of pain is its own searing and shameful torture. However, over time, I have learned that I can bear this pain, that I must bear it because in feeling it fully and completely, there is space for healing and salvation. In so doing, I am finally able to move through the shame and grief, transported by grace, transformed by love, redeemed by the truth and empowered by hope. These are the residual gifts of this process that have been bestowed upon me by my transgender son. They are powerful lessons in empathy and they have furthered my journey to my own becoming. I am grateful.

As for James, I could never speak to his process, as that is his own story to tell in his voice. That said, he has shared that our time living in the canyon, the remote, wild, desert landscape we called home, had a hand in the evolution of his resolve. It was no coincidence that he found the courage to declare his truth while surrounded by this place that is both harsh and beautiful. Our time living in this paradoxical, veracious bubble, along with our family’s quest for deeper meaning may have created the perfect crucible for James’ rebirth. Either way, I know that he has opened himself up to the necessary and precious struggle that real growth requires, and I see him navigate the process like a heroic seeker in an epic tale of adventure and exploration. What more could any mom want for her son?

For more information about how to empower transgender children to live authentically, visit https://transparentusa.org.

For more information about transgender rights visit https://www.aclu.org/issues/lgbtq-rights/transgender-rights.

A couple great podcasts to give a listen:

If You Read the G.O.P.’s Anti-Trans Policies, You’ll See What It Really Wants
The Ezra Klein Show
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/if-you-read-the-g-o-p-s-anti-trans-policies-youll-see/id1548604447?i=1000603123504

ALOK: What makes us beautiful? What makes us free?
We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle
https://shows.cadence13.com/podcast/wcdht/episodes/564b1257-4758-44e4-a58d-92d9117d7fc5